FEAR, it NEVER left me
HAUNTS me at the HOLIEST hours
PLAYS with the COLDNESS of the NIGHT
when I usually think there's no one else
BUT then I remember YOU.

FEAR, it's oblivious of YOUR presence
UNBEKNOWNST of your AWESOME LOVE
I must have been really BLESSED!

Now, I worry NO MORE!
For I have in me a SPIRIT
that's bigger than the spirits that belong to the world♥
far greater then ALL my FEARs combined
more POWERFUL than the wounds of ages past
more CERTAIN than tomorrow that's yet to come.

It's YOUR WISDOM that dominates my life
It's YOUR WORDS that breathes life to my losing spirit
It's YOUR HANDS that hold the crumbling pieces of my heart
It's YOUR LOVE that gives strength to my humbled soul
YOUR GRACE abounds within me.

Oh FEAR, abandon me!
Because tonight there's only a place for:
    HAPPINESS (for  HE has set me FREE)
    and GRATEFULNESS  (for the GREAT LOVE He has given me)
in my heart.


*Woke up at 12 am. Been disturbed by another bad dream. This one's milder  than my recurring nightmares but it's a nightmare nonetheless. I don't know what's wrong with me.It's been like a curse really.  A few minutes ago I actually thought I'm starting to develop somniphobia (an anxiety disorder that makes you feel that once you fell asleep you won't be able to wake up again) then again, I realize that it's not sleeping that I'm afraid of, but the nightmares that come along with it.

It just happens too frequently it's starting to scare the hell out of me already!  I've started reading some books on nightmares and dreams *yeah, it has disturbed me this much*.  I found some good reads in the main library and have been reading some of them since Tuesday.

I think what I'm having now is some sort of what they call "Night Terrors". If I remember it correctly it's like having difficulty in believing that your nightmares aren't real. Thing is, this usually happen to kids only! Upon waking up, adults have a capability to realize that a nightmare, no matter how terrible it is, is but a dream. I'm 19 so I'm a young adult, right? Then how come I feel like I have 'night terrors'?

I'm no dream analyst or psychologist to diagnose myself, but it's just the only way I can totally make sense out of what's happening. It's my only way to allay myself that there isn't something wrong with me.

I can differentiate a dream from reality, it's just that I can't help but think that these recurring nightmares aren't just some random thoughts from my unconscious state. As I've read, dreams are like messages of yourself to yourself. Hey, I never really thought I'll succumb to delve on this area of study. As a budding engineer (haha!), this is a foreign science to me. But  having the same nightmares for like the nth time leaves me no other choice! And right now, I'm ashamed to admit that I actually believe that these nightmares carry a hidden message I'm yet to decode.

I don't know if I wish to decode it though. It really scares me.I want to be free. It's affecting me this much! I want to conquer this 'night terror' or whatever this is, I just really don't know how to. That sucks BIG TIME, man!

"Presence!" T's my personal theme for two-oh-oh-eight!

I bid "Focused 2007" adieu a few hours ago. I believe it was my "growing up" year. Don't get me wrong, I know that every year is a learning experience for me. It's just that I believe I've transformed into a more mature and socially aware young adult this year. I guess I achieved being focused with my life for the year that was. Congrats to myself! haha.

But being too focused isn't healthy either. I believe that there were times I tried so hard to remain focused on my personal goals thus ignoring other things and people that are equally, and may sometimes be more, important.

Browsing through my planner, I realized how too much FOCUSED and more of PREOCCUPIED I've been. I was able to achieve more accomplishments but had to sacrifice relationships (specially relationship to SELF! oh yes, there is such thing!). 

I realized how determined I was to make a high grade and totally forgot the immeasureable learning experience. How eager I was to execute  my roles and responsibilities as chapter head that I forget for WHOM all the hard work is for.How I prioritized serving in my ministries than strengthening my relationship with HIM. How much I wanted to make my family proud by accomplishing all my goals but failing to make time for them. And it goes on...

It felt like I was FLOATING. I made it through and achieved it all without actually being there! Thus, the feeling that something was missing.

I was browsing through my friends' personal sites a few days ago and realized how distant I've been to some of them. I regret not making to the special occasions in their lives even if they asked me to be there. I realized how some of my treasured friendships lost over distance because I was too focused on other things I deemed more important. I was TOO FOCUSED  with my PRESENT that I forgot about my precious PAST. As they say, you WIN some, you LOSE some.

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy with the way things turned out in 2007. Yeah, mishaps were here and there but that's inevitable. It's just that, I'm seeing a new way of how to make things even BETTER. Of how to LIVE a FULLER LIFE!

So this year, I want to be PRESENT in lives of the people I love. I want to be PRESENT in the communities I'm part of. I want to feel my PRESENCE in my LIFE.

I remember sunday mornings when I would be forced to get up oh-so-early  just because Dee wanted the whole family to make a feast on the breakfast he prepared. I remember him having to literally carry me to the dining area just to get my butt off my bed. I remember hating him for putting a halt to my dreams but loving him after being delighted with the yummy food he prepared.

I remember being carried in piggy back up until I was 11! Uh Huh. I was quite small for my age but still a pre-teener for crying out loud! While the rest of the girls my age, dream of holding hands with their volatile crushes, I was dying to lifted and carried in piggyback by Dee. He had always complained about me being a big girl already (which is half truth, you know) but I bet he adores all the pleading and the begging and the hugs and kisses that he asks in return. FYI, no matter how much he naggingle complained, he never declined!

I remember loving to shopw with him because unlike ma, he doesn't give a limit to our shopping budget. One "please" here and a kiss there can buy me anything I want and need.

I remember loving to watch him cook and being so excited to get my share (and half my sibling's and my mom's share) of the good food that never failed my tastebuds. I remember begging him to cook for me during field trips and campings. I remember being so proud of my "fine-dining-tasting" baon and my envious classmates hating me for the "hmmm's" and the "yummy's" and all the sound effects/ remarks I exclaim while indulging in Dee's dishes.

I remember our daddy-daughter talks when he drives me to school. Usually, he does most of the talking. I do the listening. I love listening to his adventures. How he mastered the streets of Tokyo. How he travelled to different places all over the world. Lessons he learned. People he admired. How he got his first kiss (got it when he was in 2nd grade!)

Our favorite topic though, is the plots guys do to lure girls into falling for them. (boo! I obviously didn't learn from these) He knows a lot for the simple fact that he was a self confessed playboy up until he met my mom *aww sweet*


There's quite a lot of good memories to remember. But I will never forget the way he dropped on his knees and cried when he saw tears falling down my eyes.

My whole life, I've only seen Dee cried twice. Once when grandpa died, and the last one when I cried.He was fuming with anger then. Disappointed with the way his favorite (and only) daughter behaved. Out of anger, he shouted at me. Leaving the two of us shocked. I cried. And all of a sudden the fierceness in him disappeared. The guy I thought of the strongest, whimpered like a kid beside me. My tears wached away all the traces of anger he had. He sat beside me. Hugged me. And cried. There and there I know how great his love for me was. It was more than any man could ever give me. More than the love I could ever give him back.

They say fathers serve as our ideal men. That when searching for true love, we're actually searching for carbon copies of our fathers. I say no man will ever measure up to the impact that Dee had on me. No one could tell me that he'd love me more than anyone did and not lie. My Dee is, and will always be, my first great love (second to GOD of course!)

He lovingly calls me "princess" and treats me as such. He looks up to me and expects a lot from me. But to fulfill his dreams for me is the least that I could do for all the love he has given me. And though I may never promise that I will never fail him, I can promise him and be certain that I will never stop loving him.

I have always seen him as a perfect father. Wise and Strong. Disciplined and Firm. Now that I'm growing up though, sometimes I find it hard to accept the imperfections that I discover in him. It's heartbreaking to see his youth diminish. But all these weaknesses and imperfections that are slowly surfacing, won't diminish the great love that I have solely for him. For my dad. For my DEE.

And no matter how much I deny I am, and will always be, a DADDY'S GIRL. 

I'd open my eyes and see the exact place I don't want to see myself in. I'd come to my senses and realize that I want to stop time and just sleep the days away. But thoughts of deadlines to meet, requirements to accomplish and responsibilities to attend to came rushing in. Heavy-heartedly, I'd go on with my daily morning routine.

After an hour or so, I'd realize I'm running late for my 7 am class again. I'd ponder on whether or not I'd have the courage to come to class an hour late. I'd decide that I'd just miss class (again?) today and make up tomorrow (which I never did. Up to now!). I'd spend the rest of my travel time and planning my hours of free time.

Then depression will hit me again. "How could I be so irresponsible?This is not me!" My conscience won't stop bugging me until I'd pity myself for being the loser that I am now. I'd start to feel hopeless, directionless, and worst of all - lethargic. I thought I'm done with this crap. But months later, after I started entertaining these thoughts, weeks after I started picking myself up, I realized that I'm still trapped. As if with every step i take towards rising from the pit I've fallen myself into, I slide and fall down two steps lower. And even before the old wounds heal, another one opens again.

I'm not sure if I'm sick. But I'm definitely tired. I'm tired of being wrong, always. I'm tired of commiting mistakes and suffering from them. I'm tired of discovering my weaknesses and feeling sorry for myself. I'm tired of knowing what's wrong and not knowing how to make it right.

I'm simply tired of being tired of life itself.

t's so much easier to offer a helping hand to others than be the one needing the help, yourself. It's so easy to assure a friend that everything will be okay but so hard to tell it to yourself when you're the one facing the odds. It's easier to tell somebody what he/she ought to do than be that somebody and follow even your own teachings.

I'm so willing to help someone in need, but so reluctant to accept one myself. I find strength in helping others. I find strength knowing that someone needs me. And now that I am the one needing the help myself, I feel so weak. So small. 

But no matter how much I deny, I need someone to allay me of my fears. I badly need someone to tell me everything will be okay. That I'll get through this. That this is just a part of GOD's wonderful plan for me. Sadly, I don't know who to run to anymore...

We're doing this every year. It's tradition. My mom's very religious and she won't let anything stop her from visiting 14 different churches to witness 14 different interpretations of the altar of repose on maundy thursday.

I used to love the experience. It's like being given 14 chances to talk to GOD. But that night it dawned on me, how painful "the experience" has been,that now, I find it so hard to relate to GOD.

Last holy wednesday, I went to confession with my family. I can still hear myself saying "father, ask GOD to forgive me, kasi hanggang ngayon nagtatampo pa rin ako sa kanya" I somehow wanted the priest to tell me how I'd be able to wash the hate and the pain that's currently corrupting my heavy heart. He just gave me the usual prayers for penance and I said them like a grade school student, mimicking her religion teacher, would.

I used to hate saying memorized prayers `cause I value every moment that I get to talk to GOD. But that night, I just couldn't get myself to talk to HIM the way I used to. I just couldn't get myself to ASK for guidance, for strength and for enlightenment, that I so need, from HIM. I just couldn't accept HIM. It felt like my heart's full of pain and hate that there's no room for HIM,anymore. I know this is wrong. I know that I shouldn't let HIS place in me be filled with all these evil thoughts. But I can't help it.

I once told someone "Let me cry. Let me grieve. Let me feel my anger. Soon this will be over. I'll get myself back... even better". I think GOD totally understands how I feel and why I'm keeping myself at a distance from him.

I know that I cannot completely "heal" by myself. I totally recognize the fact that only GOD can heal my wounded heart. But this time, I'm not ready to let HIM heal me, yet. I choose to immerse myself with pain for awhile for I'm finding it hard to do things HIS way, this time.

I qoute Abby saying this in her blog entry "In order to use us, God sets in motion a plan for shaping us into the kind of people He wants us to be. Sometimes that means we experience awful pain, giving up what we want to keep, and going forward into areas we'd rather leave unexplored."

It says it all. All that I'm going through now. I've been experiencing awful pain. It's seems like I'm being forced to give up what I badly want to keep. May the LORD forgive me, but I'm really finding it hard to accept what's happening. It hurts to know that your parents think you're a failure and your friends think you're weak. It sucks to see that you're hurting the ones you love and there's nothing you can do about it.

But hey, I know GOD's love will pull me through. I know that though I've been walking away from HIM, He'd never give up on me. Slowly, I'd muster the courage to face what happened. And from all these pieces of my crumbled life and broken heart, like dust, I'll rise.

Life, it ain't easy
It's a bed of roses
only, outnumbered by the thorns.
Life is harsh
it could suck passion
out of your soul
it could drain
all th optimisim of your being
it could exhaust
what's left of your strength
both physically
and emotionally
it can drown you with misery
or punch you with pain
it won't stop
You can't run
you can't hide
you can only surrender
or you can fight the losing battle...
...then surrender.