Still I Rise by Maya Angelou

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.

Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise

[ahjhective] I won't let life kill the dreams I dream.

"It must have been love..."

That's the one line that I remember from that song. haha. T'was the first song I heard the day I decided to break up with him. I was in Cavite. It was the morning after Mariz's debut. We slept over at kuya Rj's place and while Abby and Shay still couldn't help themselves to get up yet, I went outside to breathe Cavite's fresh air hoping I could exhale all the pain I was feeling then. Or at least breathe in some enlightenment to wash away the confusion I've immersed myself with. Heaven behold, who would have thought that that stupid song could be all I needed, then. Haha

I can't help but feel nostalgic after hearing it awhile ago (sa eng'g cafe ko pa narinig!). After 6 months, it dawned on me again- how much love I gave away and how equally painful it hit me. Haha. I'm not bitter. I have moved on. I'm certain. Life taught me that there are some things that aren't meant to be. There are dreams that we just let it be. I've accepted the fact that we weren't meant to last (well not as long as I thought/hoped we would). I had to let him go. And I did!  But I have given him a part of me that I can no longer retrieve (I'm sure he has given me a part him too) and though the love we shared have long faded, we weaved memories that aren't eternal but obviously (lasted and) continues to last longer than "we" did.  

D'you know how to it feels like when a pool suddenly becomes so appealing you'd run towards it, but when you had finally reached closed enough to dip your feet in the water you retreat because you felt the coldness of the water in your skin? Then you'd have second thoughts on diving into the water because you're not sure whether you could bear the cold or not? uh. This is the closest I could to describe how I'm feeling now.

It's just that for the n number of times that love has lured me into its den, I always end up feeling betrayed. And now that someone's asking me to give it a try again, I don't know if I can survive the sick cycle carousel again. I don't know if I'm ready to make myself vulnerable to pain again. Honestly, I don't know if I'll ever be ready to get hurt that way again.

                                                      "...but it's over now"

I've been very busy even before this semester began and I'm getting busier each week. GOD forgive me, but Reming has been actually a blessing for me. I had time to rest (finally!). So I really made the most out of it! Spent endless hours (or days?) shopping and sleeping. Oh yeah. Hibernation in Heaven. Hardiharhar.

Org events  (lalo na sa YFC) and acad stuff are piling up continously (infinitely! hahaha). Not to mention the increasing number of upcoming christmas parties, debut celebrations, reunions and travel escapades that I don't already know how I could fit in my  (oh so short) christmas vacation.

So help me GOD.

I wish I had what I need
To be on my own
'Cause I feel so defeated
And I'm feeling alone

And it all seems so helpless
And I have no plans
I'm a plane in the sunset
With nowhere to land

And all I see
It could never make me happy And all my sand castles
Spend their time collapsing

Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
Let that be enough

It's my birthday tomorrow
No one here could know
I was born this Thursday
22 years ago

And I feel stuck
Watching history repeating
Yeah, who am I?
Just a kid who knows he's needy

Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
And let that be enough

*One of my closest friends is shifting out already. I've been reading her blog entries about it but it didn't really sink in `til awhile ago, when we met her at the steps. We we're suppose to have math, econ and es1 (since we weren't lucky enough to get a slot last sem) classes together pa naman.

**  I was texting Zai awhile ago asking her "what if I'm next?" (hopefully not?). She said that most of us really find ourselves dealing with these kinds of thoughts. I guess, it's up to me to overcome whatever doubts (or insecurities) I have. Sabi nga ni Gloann "dapat lang may fighting spirit".

***I don't know what happened. I really don't understand what's going on between us. We used to be so close. Now, you're being cold. Yeah, I noticed it. I'm not dumb. I'm not insensitive. I'd be honest I was irritated. I just hate it when people pretend that everything's all right, when it's not. Now, I just feel sad about what's happening. I can't help but remember the day when you said "you're my friend". It felt so true then, I hope it still is, now.

I had a super fun sem break though. The debuts, overnights, YFC events, out of towns, island cove with the kids, volleyball and badminton games, movie dates, night outs, put-name-of-clique-here reunions and of course SHOPPING SPREES filled my planner for the more or less 3 weeks vacation!  Hardiharhar.

And even now that the second semester hasn't started yet, I have a complete line up of events (sa YFC pa lang super dami na)  and gimmicks already, plus a number of reunions to organize. Wee! Excited na ko! Sana lahat matuloy =p

Oh well, enrollment's fast approaching. I still don't have a math, es1 (naubusan ako ng slot last sem sana naman ngaun meron na!) and PE class. I'm thinking of taking 21 units though mom totally disagrees. Masyado na daw  akong maraming ginagawa. It's not that I won't be able to handle it daw, it's just that I might find it difficult to manage my time.

I have so many plans for my second semester. Maybe because I'm not contented with my performance last sem (though I got an uno in one of my classes!). These plans though aren't purely acad stuff. Well, there's my plan to learn how to drive (and to get my license as soon as possible), learn how to play the guitar ( with the help of carlo), learn how to cook (and maybe other household chores as well) etc. But most of all, I'm looking forward to my weekly badminton games with Abby and Bern. Wee!

Segway lang...Would you happen to know how I could get a copy of the schedule of upcoming shows in Zirkoh Greenhills or klownz quezon ave? I really need it as soon as possible. You can post a reply here or email me => joyce.anne@yahoo.com

Thanks!

I attended the YFC Metrocon hoping to bond with my co-YFC seniors, and I went home bonded -more than ever- with GOD.

I've been racing against time, trying to fulfill my dreams and meet my expectations, reaching out for my goals, and rooting for the so-called 'success'. But no matter how hard I try, victory seemed infinite laps away. I go on, like everyone else. I end up following a soulless routine, hoping that someday, somehow, my hardwork and determination (or should I say desperation?) will pay off. But to no avail.

Yeah. I've been running around in circles and I haven't noticed it then. I keep on falling short of my expectations and I didn't know the reason why...not until...NOW.

Though I recognize GOD's influence and power in my life, I run my race the way I think I should. If at times I fall, that's when I go to Him for healing. Afterwhich, I'll go on with 'my' race just like before. That's why I keep on running off track! Because no matter what knowledge and wisdom GOD has already blessed me, I still don't have (and will never have) what it takes to win the race, ALONE. For HE alone knows the right directions. And HIS will alone, not mine or anybody else's, should be done.

This is probably the greatest epiphany I had while sitting on the grass, listening to the speaker at the wonderfully made up stage, underneath the starry sky with thousands of other YFC's celebrating the love GOD has been unconditionally giving us.

I really wanted time to stop then for no word can ever express the emotions overwhelming our hearts as we continuously worshipped and praised GOD from 6 pm (sat) to 1 am (sunday). I have also never felt more loved (by GOD).

I wasn't the usually poised and conscious me. For the first time in my entire life, I worshipped (sang) like crazy. I sang every word and meant it with all my heart. I was almost shouting `cause I wanted GOD to hear me. I wanted HIM to know how much HE makes me feel so blessed. So loved. And that I love HIM just the same. I didn't mind the times I sang off key, or the times when my voice cracked. I know that even that is music to HIS ears.

More than anything, I finally had the courage to lift my hands. I have always thought that that gesture is an exagerrated one. But that night, I didn't care. I didn't care that I was one of the crowd I used to smirk at before when I didn't know better. Who cares about looking stupid, I was reaching out to GOD.

Ever been to a mountain top? Even if you haven't reached a mountain's peak, I know you can vision yourself being there. Where the air is purer and the view breathtaking. Where your eyes can reach as far as you never in wildest dreams ever imagined. Where the skies seemed within your reach, you could almost touch it.

On mountaintop, you'll find yourself closing your eyes, breathing peace that'll find its way to your heart. Ironically though, as your heart beats in perfect peace, you can almost swear that at the same time it explodes in unexplainable delight.

I was on a mountaintop last October 27- 28, 2006. I was on GOD's Mountaintop. I was one of the more than four thousand youth that bowed down to GOD that night from all around Metro Manila and thousands more all around the country (there were a total of 6 metrocons held at the same time).

I won't say though that we're changed men after that, but it sure does feel great to take a pitstop from our so called lives once in awhile. Uh huh, we stopped and asked GOD to embrace our wounded hearts and HE did more than that. 

I close my eyes
and still I see
the beauty you've bestowed
on me.

I close my eyes
and oh it seems
that all my dreams
are within my reach.

I close my eyes
and I begin to feel
that I can do anything
and that I'll make it through everything.

I close my eyes
and what empowerment and happines
it brings to my frail and wounded heart
to see your face
to feel the warmth of your smile
your balmy presence
embracing my being
reviving my torn soul.

I close my eyes
and I begin to wonder
when I won't have to close my eyes
to experience this craze
this bliss
this madness...
of you.

"I don't know what you see... when you look at me. ='("

We're walking
through a misty one way road
lit by the somber moon.
Silence envelopes the air
for fear that one word uttered
might be the last.

You stopped
looked into my eyes..
pierced through my soul
and told me that you love me.

I closed my guilty eyes
afraid that you
might see through me
but my defenses
are already down.
so i just managed to utter
"i too...
did"

I looked at you
but you looked away
probably taming
the monster
raging inside you.

You turned around
and I hugged you from behind.
That was the first
and tragically,
the last.

Author's Note: Promise this is fiction

I don't remember exactly how he said it. Did he say "I'm a bisexual" or was it like "bisexual ako". It was like everything else drowned to oblivion but the word BISEXUAL. Uh yeah. It says it all. Days after his confession, I can still hear it in my head. Loud and Clear. Capital B-I-S-E-X-U-A-L. Bisexual.

Being a graduate of an all girl school (grade school), I was exposed to girl-to-girl relationships at a very young age. I entered high school and zits were much more of a big deal than boy-to-boy relationships. Let's face it, I'm part of the generation, who, by instinct, knows that same sex relationship is forbidden by the bible and yet it's as banal as cellphones and mp3 players.

Admitting that you're a bisexual is a whole lot different from knowing that you're gay or lesbian. (well, at least for me) When you say you're gay, you're a guy (technically speaking) who just happens to like guys. When you say you're a lesbian, you're a girl (again, technically speaking) who happens to like girls. But when you're a bisexual, you may be a guy or a girl who happens to like... hmm... both? Mr. Webster puts it this way "having desire for both sexes"

Bisexuality is a concept I had never dared to explore. I didn't think I'd ever be involved with it. But it appeals to me now like that of luscious chocolate melting before my very eyes.

My ignorance though, had brought me nothing for or against it. I'd rather mum muself about it than lose my dignity for being but a stupid mouth.

Bisexuality will definitely raise the eyebrows of not only the conservative's. The mere sound of it's first syllable (bi) can cause some peopl to make sour faces already. Sad but true, we Filipinos are so illknowledged about it that we despise it and christen it "immoral" just because it's not part of what society dictates as normal.

I had always observed his feminine gesture, but with no enough proof to judge him gay, I didn't. We resigned to the thought that he was just an effeminate- a guy with femail characteristics- but still straight.

He argued that he has gone over the confusion and has finally accepted the fact that he is a bisexual. But isn't being a bisexual mean being in a state of confusion? Doesn't not knowing which you prefer -a man or a woman- to grow in love with more, classify as a major state of confusion?

I was schocked that I didn't go hysterical over it. I mean, him confessing that he's a bisexual is something, ayt? It's huge, I might say.

But bisexual or not he is still my FRIEND. And him being my friend dominates his being a bisexual. Our friendship runs deeper than his admitted flaw (I'm not saying that bisexuality is a flaw). We've been friends for so long that his confession, honestly, didn't change the way I see him. I believe, as I have always believed that more than being a bisexual and all the negative connotations that come along with it, he is a person with a BIG heart, always willing to love (the hell I care whether it be a man or a woman) He is a person who recognizes the face of GOD. And with these, he isn't any less human than any average straight guy.

And to the person who has tickled my naive mind about this:

Thank you for the trust. I totally appreciate it. You have made me feel loved more than any straight guy ever had.