I used to love the experience. It's like being given 14 chances to talk to GOD. But that night it dawned on me, how painful "the experience" has been,that now, I find it so hard to relate to GOD.
Last holy wednesday, I went to confession with my family. I can still hear myself saying "father, ask GOD to forgive me, kasi hanggang ngayon nagtatampo pa rin ako sa kanya" I somehow wanted the priest to tell me how I'd be able to wash the hate and the pain that's currently corrupting my heavy heart. He just gave me the usual prayers for penance and I said them like a grade school student, mimicking her religion teacher, would.
I used to hate saying memorized prayers `cause I value every moment that I get to talk to GOD. But that night, I just couldn't get myself to talk to HIM the way I used to. I just couldn't get myself to ASK for guidance, for strength and for enlightenment, that I so need, from HIM. I just couldn't accept HIM. It felt like my heart's full of pain and hate that there's no room for HIM,anymore. I know this is wrong. I know that I shouldn't let HIS place in me be filled with all these evil thoughts. But I can't help it.
I once told someone "Let me cry. Let me grieve. Let me feel my anger. Soon this will be over. I'll get myself back... even better". I think GOD totally understands how I feel and why I'm keeping myself at a distance from him.
I know that I cannot completely "heal" by myself. I totally recognize the fact that only GOD can heal my wounded heart. But this time, I'm not ready to let HIM heal me, yet. I choose to immerse myself with pain for awhile for I'm finding it hard to do things HIS way, this time.
I qoute Abby saying this in her blog entry "In order to use us, God sets in motion a plan for shaping us into the kind of people He wants us to be. Sometimes that means we experience awful pain, giving up what we want to keep, and going forward into areas we'd rather leave unexplored."
It says it all. All that I'm going through now. I've been experiencing awful pain. It's seems like I'm being forced to give up what I badly want to keep. May the LORD forgive me, but I'm really finding it hard to accept what's happening. It hurts to know that your parents think you're a failure and your friends think you're weak. It sucks to see that you're hurting the ones you love and there's nothing you can do about it.
But hey, I know GOD's love will pull me through. I know that though I've been walking away from HIM, He'd never give up on me. Slowly, I'd muster the courage to face what happened. And from all these pieces of my crumbled life and broken heart, like dust, I'll rise.